Confession #7: I Care Too Much

Now that I only have one job, things are a lot easier. I see my husband every night, we eat dinner together quite frequently, we even have been watching Netflix a lot!

*Tangent: Netflix is the best place to find documentaries! LOVE! Untangent*

However, now that I have one job, all of my energy is focused on one job.

Why do I scan papers every day?

Why don't people respect my work?

How much longer till lunch?

Why don't they like me?

Why doesn't that person invite me to their party? I work here, too, ya know!

How can I better my experience here?

What else can I do?

Really, it's just more concentration on another job that I have become obsessed with. I am obsessed about getting things done quickly and looking like a pro. No one talks to me because I'm the boss' girlfriend's daughter. I have a small pool of co workers who speak to me, but for the most part no one does. No one wants me to rat on them. But why would they think I had any reason to rat on them? Shouldn't you be doing your work? Isn't that what we're here to do? Work?

I thought that by this time I would be with people who wanted to feel fulfilled in their work and do a good job and not come to work to socialize.

I've made some enemies. I've made some cranky, passive-aggressive enemies. I got some people in trouble. Why? Because I care about doing my job right. I care so much I have to say things to the boss. I have to say things to people if they don't do things right. I have to inquire when people go to work because it doesn't mesh with the system laid in place by other angry, passive aggressive people.

I don't mean to cause trouble, I just want to follow the rules. If I follow the rules and they don't, then when I'm trying to do my job, their slactivism keeps me from working efficiently.

How fair is that?

It's not.

I just want people to follow the rules because I follow the rules. I try to break them... I just can't.

Happiness In The MIdst of Everything Else

I GOT MARRIED!!!!!!! We had a masquerade ball on Friday night to celebrate our union and it was AMAZING!!!! I was an Ice Queen and David was a God. We are amazing together. Thank you to all who showed and thanks to all those who wanted to. If you didn't, you missed quite a bash. I'll post some pictures soon, hopefully.

I could be a wedding planner, but I wouldn't want to deal with anyone other than people like me who are very mellow about marriage and parties. So I guess I shouldn't be a wedding planner. But I had a great time getting everything ready and together for my union!

I love you, David. We are meant to be for life. No matter what negativity creeps around in the dark pits of life. You and I were meant to be.

XXOXOXOXOXOO

Busy? or Just Plain Crazy?

I am an aspiring Graphic Designer. I don't want my skills to diminish while I'm working odd jobs, so of course I want to pick up some graphic design jobs on the side. Save the Date magnets here, Business cards there, brochures sprinkled in around the outside..... But why do I feel the need to take on extra jobs while I currently work 60 hours a week? What is it that I'm fearful of if I just don't do something for one minute?

What is it that I won't accomplish by sitting down for one month and not having anything else to do. Am I afraid that I won't be capable of competing when I get to the real world? Is it that I need to prove my self worth to others? OR! _ what if I'm one of those people who needs to have too many things going on so I have stuff to bitch about? I hope not.

I like making sure that I'm living my life to the brim. I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to expose myself to every possibly opportunity. I have a hard time saying no to people because I know that when they ask for my help, they actually want it. I want to make others happy so I want to do it... Confused yet? Good, we're in the same boat.

After this job is over, I'm going to do nothing but sit.......

..

..

and do graphic design work ;)

Self Doubt

I have always been a fairly confident person. I am one of those who is always perky all the time... except when I work 60+ hours in one week. I was even giving my store manager a run for her money when I was working more hours than she was a week. She has a daughter who needs her right now; she needed to be a mom while she was working 60 hrs a week for Spirit doing things she shouldn't have been made to do. So knowing that I was running with the "big dog" and holding my own with minimal screw ups was definitely a boost in self confidence.

However, the harder I worked, the more stressed out I became. One night, about 3 weeks in, I left the safe door unlocked after my other AM did, not even 4 closes later. This hurt me bad. It blew my ego down the drain. See, my manager really pumps me up. She tells me what I need to do and I do it. She has a lot of confidence in my abilities, and it has been proven she thinks I'm capable of much more than I actually am.

Even though I have reduced myself to 20 hrs a week, I still feel doubt in all actions I make. I'm no longer an assistant manager, but I'm not just another hire. Since I started this blog, I have gradually carried a key again. I still do returns/exchanges. I still have management abilities, but without the end of the night responsibility. I don't have the confidence to run the store when someone else isn't there.

Sometimes I feel like this nervousness I feel is transferred over into other areas of my life. If it's affecting my other job, my relationships, or even my own personal worth.

For The Love of My Life

David, the love of my life, is an aspiring horror writer. So you can imagine how excited he was that I was going to work for Spirit Halloween again this year-like an old person in an antique shop! He would go take pictures of different spookey things he was excited about and send them to me so I could "shop with him" when he was out. All I would ever get from him, no matter how our morning went, was "I love you. When are you coming home? I miss you?"

I became more angry at my man every morning. I started sleeping in later then get angry at him for wanting to love me, talk to me in the mornings, fix me breakfast, do my laundry, clean our house, go to his work, go to the bank for me... And of course it was his fault that I couldn't sleep, and my alarm went off too early in the morning - ANYTHING he did or didn't do was obviously wrong.

Last week, I would cry almost every day before I left work; he would kiss me good bye and tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, and yet I would still leave unhappy. He started sending me loving text messages in the later parts of my day and I would only get more infuriated that he was interrupting me at my second job. But by the time I got home, he would only have loving arms wide open to hold me and tell me he loved me and supported me in everything I did. He tried to do everything he could to help me love life again.... even if he wasn't ever awake when I got home in the evenings.

He would always warm my heart with loving things and try to show me how much he wished I wouldn't burn myself out. He suffered through the last 31 days just as much as I did. I threw so much at him that I am more than positive that we will be fine together the rest of our lives.

I'm So Lonely

Most of the time I would lead a solitary life. I would see Prince Charming in the mornings where I would make his mornings filled with sorrow and sadness. I would then take a 35 minute drive to my first job. The drive would sometimes be filled with Lady Gaga songs from my CD player, then the new Eminem CD.

Both soundtracks to my mornings gave me a weird sense of security. Like they knew exactly what I was going through. Gaga was some strange mix of Halloween and freak that seemed to echo inside the place where my soul used to be: "That {girl} is a Monster! That girl is a Monster! She ate her heart. She ate-ate-ate her heart. Work ate her heart. She ate-ate-ate her heart out!"

Eminem always raps about sadness and hate and women being sluts.... That definitely gave me some anger and violence to draw into my mornings.

Today Is The Day I Quit

While waiting for the final beeps from the security alarm with one ear smashed against the dirty glass door and holding the phone against my other ear, tears swept down my face in ways that are never pretty.

"Can you handle this?" She asked me through the phone, "I mean, is this too much for you?"

I was already crying by this point in time, "Yes. Yes, it is."

I have this urge to do everything right and do it better than anyone else ever could. So taking on two full time jobs sounded like just the responsibility I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I am invincible. Unstoppable! I am Kim Possible's real-life twin sister, Jasmine Possible! I fight crime and work 65+ hrs a week; I still have time to plan a wedding, love my future husband, and perfect my future graphic design skills.... or so I thought.

So today was the day that I told my store manager that I am not capable of handling everything she is about to dish out to me over the rest of the Halloween season. I feel defeated. I feel so unhelpful, even though she told me everything was OK, and she thanked me for being honest with her early enough in the season so that she can replace me before it gets really bad. I still feel like I have royally failed and I am not worth dirt. She told me she has been curious how I do it AND still stay peppy, which was meant to be a compliment.

I feel like I have just given up. This is the first time in my adult life I have not been able to follow through with something so large. I have came to a crashing halt due to getting sick and being overwhelmingly tired. I was working every day out of my week. I never saw the lovely man I wanted to marry any longer. The highlights in my day became work highlights, nothing remotely fun or exciting by real world standards.

Over the next few weeks I will be opening up my memories of the past 31 days of my addiction to money, work, and sleep (or lack there of); from here out I will be exploring other areas to put my work-o-holic mind so I do not create anymore self pity. Time to turn my negative energy into creative energy!