Today Is The Day I Quit

While waiting for the final beeps from the security alarm with one ear smashed against the dirty glass door and holding the phone against my other ear, tears swept down my face in ways that are never pretty.

"Can you handle this?" She asked me through the phone, "I mean, is this too much for you?"

I was already crying by this point in time, "Yes. Yes, it is."

I have this urge to do everything right and do it better than anyone else ever could. So taking on two full time jobs sounded like just the responsibility I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I am invincible. Unstoppable! I am Kim Possible's real-life twin sister, Jasmine Possible! I fight crime and work 65+ hrs a week; I still have time to plan a wedding, love my future husband, and perfect my future graphic design skills.... or so I thought.

So today was the day that I told my store manager that I am not capable of handling everything she is about to dish out to me over the rest of the Halloween season. I feel defeated. I feel so unhelpful, even though she told me everything was OK, and she thanked me for being honest with her early enough in the season so that she can replace me before it gets really bad. I still feel like I have royally failed and I am not worth dirt. She told me she has been curious how I do it AND still stay peppy, which was meant to be a compliment.

I feel like I have just given up. This is the first time in my adult life I have not been able to follow through with something so large. I have came to a crashing halt due to getting sick and being overwhelmingly tired. I was working every day out of my week. I never saw the lovely man I wanted to marry any longer. The highlights in my day became work highlights, nothing remotely fun or exciting by real world standards.

Over the next few weeks I will be opening up my memories of the past 31 days of my addiction to money, work, and sleep (or lack there of); from here out I will be exploring other areas to put my work-o-holic mind so I do not create anymore self pity. Time to turn my negative energy into creative energy!