Confession #8: What About Me?

Becoming a work-o-holic takes a lot of grooming. You first must be stroked into loving superior feedback. Then it must be taken away. Then given back after a small but good job done.

Then you get no attention for days - no one - no one looks at you. breathes your name. tells you you did a good job. No one pets your fragile ego. What About Me?

What happened to me? I am now addicted to knowing that my work is important. I don't need anyone to hold my hand during the job, but I desire the credit. So then, I'm staying after work an hour or so, working on something that could seriously have waited till tomorrow, but your superior really would like it if you could just put forth a little extra effort..... ESPECIALLY because you are required, as a manager, to work at least 30 hrs a week. and you just happen to be getting married in 4 weeks and took on a full time day job and an assistant seasonal manager position (basically another full time job).

So I stay. I work, and work, and get even more pissed when the "Good Job" reward hasn't come. no such thing as "Thanks for staying late! Your work is truly appreciated!" Not even a "Let's go grab a beer. Today was rough." I get into the car alone. I just bust my ass at a crappy desk job from 8-5, then 15 minutes later I'm working a seasonal retail store till 9 or 9:30pm. Forty-five minutes later I get home to my sleeping soon-to-be-husband. I was angry at him this morning. We didn't even get to say goodnight. I only kissed him once today....

I sit in the dark at my computer brooding over my day. Now alone again. No one to tell me that my job was a good one and my work has been appreciated. Two hours later I curl up in bed next to the handsome man in my life and fall asleep for 7 hrs of sleep then a re-do on my day. And when the pay check comes, I still struggle to pay my bills. We just get by while we pay for our masquerade ball wedding reception. It's the only thing I have to look forward to and I don't even have fun while I plan....

My Catch-22

My husband and I are DEFINITELY stuck in a catch-22.... or maybe I'm just stuck. All the money I work hard to make to keep my tiny, pet-less family alive (the two of us) always leaves me without food for a brief moment during the month, or desperate for gas. So I've started picking up some freelance work (here comes my work-o-holic brain!). I am addicted to being busy, so now I have 4 different freelance projects I'm working on at the moment, about to get a new one too.

So hopefully soon I will be making some extra money on the side ..... oh no wait, a lot of these things I'm doing right now are favors. .... wait... 3 of the 4 I'm working on right now are favors. shit. so I won't be making any money, but at least I'm staying busy!

I have other interests than working myself to death. I want to learn to weave. that's right. on a floor loom. with peddles and things. BUT. I don't have an extra $1000 laying around so I can fund my start-up project. Because you and I both know I have so much more time to take on another large project. Well maybe I can work on some surface design, aka screen printing.... or not. Because I have no materials. I have no space. I have nothing to even get me going.

My mom told me when I was young that my work needs to pay for itself. But how are you supposed to start getting money when you have no money to invest in the start-up? So now the two projects I'm longing for, I cannot complete.

No money for start-up, no work to create. No work to make money, no start-up money. Drats. I will have to find myself something else to get addicted to.

What the Crap is a Catch-22?

I never read the book Catch-22 by Joseph Heller when everyone else did in high school so I had to look it up on wikipedia. I still don't know exactly what the book is about but the second line of Wikipedia tells me it is "one of the great literary works of the twentieth century." The more I read the Wikipedia page, the more I feel compelled to read it. Looks like there's some war, some military take over.... That's what I'm into right now! I mean, I'm completely addicted to the Chaos in Egypt so this story that is compared to 1984 and The Trial should be right up my alley.  (tangent: i mean, me? addicted to something that's not work? so weird! :untangent)

So without reading the book, I still have no idea what a Catch-22 is!! If the loud guy at work didn't describe every case he worked on with the words "It's kinda a Catch-22" I wouldn't have even been exposed to the term, or that's as true as I can remember. Since he says it, my manager says it. So I look to Wikipedia again. I finally made the breakthrough where the phrase is explained as a common idiomatic English phrase meaning "a no-win situation" or "a double bind" ... also known as self-contradictory circular logic.

Confession #7: I Care Too Much

Now that I only have one job, things are a lot easier. I see my husband every night, we eat dinner together quite frequently, we even have been watching Netflix a lot!

*Tangent: Netflix is the best place to find documentaries! LOVE! Untangent*

However, now that I have one job, all of my energy is focused on one job.

Why do I scan papers every day?

Why don't people respect my work?

How much longer till lunch?

Why don't they like me?

Why doesn't that person invite me to their party? I work here, too, ya know!

How can I better my experience here?

What else can I do?

Really, it's just more concentration on another job that I have become obsessed with. I am obsessed about getting things done quickly and looking like a pro. No one talks to me because I'm the boss' girlfriend's daughter. I have a small pool of co workers who speak to me, but for the most part no one does. No one wants me to rat on them. But why would they think I had any reason to rat on them? Shouldn't you be doing your work? Isn't that what we're here to do? Work?

I thought that by this time I would be with people who wanted to feel fulfilled in their work and do a good job and not come to work to socialize.

I've made some enemies. I've made some cranky, passive-aggressive enemies. I got some people in trouble. Why? Because I care about doing my job right. I care so much I have to say things to the boss. I have to say things to people if they don't do things right. I have to inquire when people go to work because it doesn't mesh with the system laid in place by other angry, passive aggressive people.

I don't mean to cause trouble, I just want to follow the rules. If I follow the rules and they don't, then when I'm trying to do my job, their slactivism keeps me from working efficiently.

How fair is that?

It's not.

I just want people to follow the rules because I follow the rules. I try to break them... I just can't.

Happiness In The MIdst of Everything Else

I GOT MARRIED!!!!!!! We had a masquerade ball on Friday night to celebrate our union and it was AMAZING!!!! I was an Ice Queen and David was a God. We are amazing together. Thank you to all who showed and thanks to all those who wanted to. If you didn't, you missed quite a bash. I'll post some pictures soon, hopefully.

I could be a wedding planner, but I wouldn't want to deal with anyone other than people like me who are very mellow about marriage and parties. So I guess I shouldn't be a wedding planner. But I had a great time getting everything ready and together for my union!

I love you, David. We are meant to be for life. No matter what negativity creeps around in the dark pits of life. You and I were meant to be.

XXOXOXOXOXOO

Busy? or Just Plain Crazy?

I am an aspiring Graphic Designer. I don't want my skills to diminish while I'm working odd jobs, so of course I want to pick up some graphic design jobs on the side. Save the Date magnets here, Business cards there, brochures sprinkled in around the outside..... But why do I feel the need to take on extra jobs while I currently work 60 hours a week? What is it that I'm fearful of if I just don't do something for one minute?

What is it that I won't accomplish by sitting down for one month and not having anything else to do. Am I afraid that I won't be capable of competing when I get to the real world? Is it that I need to prove my self worth to others? OR! _ what if I'm one of those people who needs to have too many things going on so I have stuff to bitch about? I hope not.

I like making sure that I'm living my life to the brim. I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to expose myself to every possibly opportunity. I have a hard time saying no to people because I know that when they ask for my help, they actually want it. I want to make others happy so I want to do it... Confused yet? Good, we're in the same boat.

After this job is over, I'm going to do nothing but sit.......

..

..

and do graphic design work ;)

Self Doubt

I have always been a fairly confident person. I am one of those who is always perky all the time... except when I work 60+ hours in one week. I was even giving my store manager a run for her money when I was working more hours than she was a week. She has a daughter who needs her right now; she needed to be a mom while she was working 60 hrs a week for Spirit doing things she shouldn't have been made to do. So knowing that I was running with the "big dog" and holding my own with minimal screw ups was definitely a boost in self confidence.

However, the harder I worked, the more stressed out I became. One night, about 3 weeks in, I left the safe door unlocked after my other AM did, not even 4 closes later. This hurt me bad. It blew my ego down the drain. See, my manager really pumps me up. She tells me what I need to do and I do it. She has a lot of confidence in my abilities, and it has been proven she thinks I'm capable of much more than I actually am.

Even though I have reduced myself to 20 hrs a week, I still feel doubt in all actions I make. I'm no longer an assistant manager, but I'm not just another hire. Since I started this blog, I have gradually carried a key again. I still do returns/exchanges. I still have management abilities, but without the end of the night responsibility. I don't have the confidence to run the store when someone else isn't there.

Sometimes I feel like this nervousness I feel is transferred over into other areas of my life. If it's affecting my other job, my relationships, or even my own personal worth.