For The Love of My Life

David, the love of my life, is an aspiring horror writer. So you can imagine how excited he was that I was going to work for Spirit Halloween again this year-like an old person in an antique shop! He would go take pictures of different spookey things he was excited about and send them to me so I could "shop with him" when he was out. All I would ever get from him, no matter how our morning went, was "I love you. When are you coming home? I miss you?"

I became more angry at my man every morning. I started sleeping in later then get angry at him for wanting to love me, talk to me in the mornings, fix me breakfast, do my laundry, clean our house, go to his work, go to the bank for me... And of course it was his fault that I couldn't sleep, and my alarm went off too early in the morning - ANYTHING he did or didn't do was obviously wrong.

Last week, I would cry almost every day before I left work; he would kiss me good bye and tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, and yet I would still leave unhappy. He started sending me loving text messages in the later parts of my day and I would only get more infuriated that he was interrupting me at my second job. But by the time I got home, he would only have loving arms wide open to hold me and tell me he loved me and supported me in everything I did. He tried to do everything he could to help me love life again.... even if he wasn't ever awake when I got home in the evenings.

He would always warm my heart with loving things and try to show me how much he wished I wouldn't burn myself out. He suffered through the last 31 days just as much as I did. I threw so much at him that I am more than positive that we will be fine together the rest of our lives.

I'm So Lonely

Most of the time I would lead a solitary life. I would see Prince Charming in the mornings where I would make his mornings filled with sorrow and sadness. I would then take a 35 minute drive to my first job. The drive would sometimes be filled with Lady Gaga songs from my CD player, then the new Eminem CD.

Both soundtracks to my mornings gave me a weird sense of security. Like they knew exactly what I was going through. Gaga was some strange mix of Halloween and freak that seemed to echo inside the place where my soul used to be: "That {girl} is a Monster! That girl is a Monster! She ate her heart. She ate-ate-ate her heart. Work ate her heart. She ate-ate-ate her heart out!"

Eminem always raps about sadness and hate and women being sluts.... That definitely gave me some anger and violence to draw into my mornings.

Today Is The Day I Quit

While waiting for the final beeps from the security alarm with one ear smashed against the dirty glass door and holding the phone against my other ear, tears swept down my face in ways that are never pretty.

"Can you handle this?" She asked me through the phone, "I mean, is this too much for you?"

I was already crying by this point in time, "Yes. Yes, it is."

I have this urge to do everything right and do it better than anyone else ever could. So taking on two full time jobs sounded like just the responsibility I needed to prove to everyone and myself that I am invincible. Unstoppable! I am Kim Possible's real-life twin sister, Jasmine Possible! I fight crime and work 65+ hrs a week; I still have time to plan a wedding, love my future husband, and perfect my future graphic design skills.... or so I thought.

So today was the day that I told my store manager that I am not capable of handling everything she is about to dish out to me over the rest of the Halloween season. I feel defeated. I feel so unhelpful, even though she told me everything was OK, and she thanked me for being honest with her early enough in the season so that she can replace me before it gets really bad. I still feel like I have royally failed and I am not worth dirt. She told me she has been curious how I do it AND still stay peppy, which was meant to be a compliment.

I feel like I have just given up. This is the first time in my adult life I have not been able to follow through with something so large. I have came to a crashing halt due to getting sick and being overwhelmingly tired. I was working every day out of my week. I never saw the lovely man I wanted to marry any longer. The highlights in my day became work highlights, nothing remotely fun or exciting by real world standards.

Over the next few weeks I will be opening up my memories of the past 31 days of my addiction to money, work, and sleep (or lack there of); from here out I will be exploring other areas to put my work-o-holic mind so I do not create anymore self pity. Time to turn my negative energy into creative energy!